"Sneak Preview"

my past life history...

just a sneak preview....

"kekadang biler org yg paleng kiter sayang da tglkn kiter wat slamernyer.. idop ni jd sunyi SEPI... umpama sampan yg xberdayung, ditiop angin ke hulu dan mungkin ke hilir di lautan terbentang luas... kat maner kiter nk ngadu penat kiter, marah kiter, bermanjer dan mungkin dimanjer kan.. berseronok, menangis.. bersuke ria... adakah teman baru dan atau teman yg sedia ada dpt memahami diri kiter?? dapat tahan dengan kerenah kiter?? dan yg paleng terpenting skali.. adakah mereka tu smua (teman baru/yg sedia ada) senantiasa bersama dgn kiter pabila kiter memerlukan mereka....?"

shard da penat...

da penat kesunyian..

kesepian...

keseorangan...

da terlalu penat sesgt....

tangis n tawe shard xkan ader sesape yg tawu...

luaran saja org nmpk shard nie "giler", hepi... senantiase tersenyum riang...

hakikatnyer....

hanya diri ini n org yg tlah tiada saje yg tawu.....

seperti yang dijanji kan oleh diri shard sndrik dated Oct 3rd 2011...

actually...

every year on Oct 4th - Oct 7th/8th shard akan kuar johor xkira kemana... jnji shard akan berjauhan utk sementara waktu daripada kengkawan yg rapat, agakk rapat, kengkwn yg biaser2 jek.. or who ever noe me....

the reason is because...

in every of my birthday eve, on birthday and after the day...

there is sumthing bad wil happen to me and to any of my frens yg ader bersama shard ketika itu.. they will get the tempiasnyer...

INI BUKAN 1 REKAAN.. tp bnde ni da terjadi...

and biaser nyer shard xakan beri tawu sesape pn even my own fmly kemana shard g on that dat particular day...

shard cume ckp shard on holiday... that's all..

my handphone, email or any social network, i will shut it down..

in another words should i claim.. MIA for a moment.

but this year quite different from previous2 yr...

 

fyi,

every year it will 3 bad things happen to me... but this year.. only 2 bad things.. the final one not yet...

i'm expecting sumting bazaar will happen...

i trust my guts..

and it's telling me.. it's close but not too close enough...

shard da ader reser...

shard xbley tdo semalam.. tetiber raser awkward.. tetiber ilang focus... feelin down in sudden without any reason..

before this it happen to me and it end up right after 4days of my birthday whereby i've lost my very big precious in my life..

this year da more than 3days.. i'm kinda scared which i might or will loosing for more worst and superb bazaar in my life...

i wonder....

all this happen and start on my childhood year.. i was 7years old dat time.. very young.. very energetic... very healthy..

FIRST

my fmly n i live in soe place called "Jeng Qui" a medium cost kinda apartment with 2 storey. 3rooms and only 1 room my fmly rent it out to out sider.. there is a "Mamat Bujang" named Abg Haris. he all alone in that room. til 1 fine day.. maser all my family xder kat uma only left me n my elder sister. she sleeping her room that time...

so, abg haris nie called me and offered me to read some books in his rooms. i luv reading... luv it so much til now i still luv reading books..

so..

shard pon masok dlm bilik dia and as he said.. reading books..

i dun noe what kind of book that i read dat time...

while i'm reading.. abg haris tros tanggalkan sua pendek shard.. maser tu he asked me to sit on the chair yg ada dlm bilik tu...

shard memang tak prasaan before i came into his room whereby he half-naked..

once he pull off my pants, dia tros menggesekkan kemaluan dia di kelengkang shard....

shard xraser malu atas yg berlaku pada shard which i told u dis...

u ask for it.. and i already promise to u.. i will tell u everything.. here we goes...

what will happen after dat... shard da xingat..

what i did remember.. abg haris did gave me rm20 sen (time tu RM20sen besar sgt mcm rm5 as for now)

while he said "abg jgn kasi tawu sesape taw.. ingat k..!!"

i was 7YEARS OLD!!

what do u aspect..??

that time happen exactly on my birthday..

Oct 6th...

now shard da ber umor 32years...

SECOND

i was 13 years old..

at our new house in Taman Perling - Kg Teluk Serdang Pinggir.

My dad buta huruf, xtawu membaca and he werk in Pasar as tukang sembelih ayam... there is a moment.. the day before my birthday (Oct 5th)

my mom wanted to do some small celebration on my birthday.. she cooked me nasi ayam cos i luv ayam goreng crazily..

so my dad pun tangkap ayam peliharaan kami.. and sembelih it... he need and assistant to sembelih dat ayam...

shard anak yg ke 2 dlm 3 adeq bradeq time tu...

so he ask me to hold some parts of that chicken while he wanted to sembelih it... i'm too scared wif blood.. so..

mase pisau tu da sampi kat leher ayam tu.. shard tutop mater and ntah cam maner ayam tu struggling and shard teraser gesek kan pisau tu teraser sesgt kat leher ayam tu and tangn shard terlepas drpd holding that particular part.. to so ayam tu struggling on the ground wif pancutan darah yang mcm paip air pecah... til muker shard terkne percikan darah ayam tu..

shard tergamam n tros lari masok dlm uma..

mak shard terperanjat and ask me what's wrong..

shard xckp paper tros mandi and pas mndi shard tros masok dlm bilik...

time tu shard terdengar..

ayah berbual dgn mak.. and there is phrase yg shard tak kan luper sampi mati..

he said "hem!! ade anak lelaki pon xbley harap..."

what do u feels if u hear that phrase from ur dat o mom???

7days shard xmkn.. shard bebtol traser ati...

mak pujok shard.. but ati shard keras.. ati shard tegeng.. ego shard tinggi...

till arwah atok shard yg pujok shard.. arwah tok stay in spore.. riter after mak bgtau arwah tok bout what happen.. arwah tok tros dtg jb n pujok shard...

dekat 2 minggu arwah tok stay in jb..

dats y law sesape yg maki or kutok sumting bout my dad.. shard tak traser langsong.. but not my Arwah atok.. shard akan ngamok giler...

THIRD..

after 3days of my birthday..

shard hilang org yg paleng shard sayang..

Arwah atok meninggal...

7days before.. arwah nenek meninggal riter after 3 days ,

arwah atok meninggal..

shard kat pejabat..

maser tu shard keje kat Kilang Flextronics Industry (M) Sdn. Bhd. at Tampoi Industrial Estate as HR & Admin Assistant..

shard kene OT mlm tu..

arwah nenek meninggal pon dpt cuti 1 ari jek...

mase tu la shard raser exactly as what i felt rite now..

feelin so down in sudden..

so lonely...

sunyi sepi sgt2...

kwn2 plak tu smuanyer bz dgn hidup masing2...

shard xsalah kan kwn2 shard...

they all pon ade life dorg sndrik..

cumer time tu traser sesgt mcm xder sesape kat dunia nie...

sunddenly, abg sdarer shard call all the from spore..

telling me arwah atok da meninggal atas sejadah after solat maghrib with my abg sdarer...

sori..

shard ter lalu pilu n sedey segt nk tros kan citer nie..

i'm crying while typing...

terlalu banyak sgt kenangan shard dgn arwah atok..

terlalu bnyk sgt..

shard xbley nk tros kan...

I'm Quitting!!

what a great morning.."

actually i never thought of it nor planned and even thinking bout it... everything happen in all of sudden. Just a blinked of an eye and that's it... simply just like that...

it was 0340am

Nov 27 2011

in the middle of an early morning. almost all of us still in the middle of sweetest dream and or perhaps the worst nightmare and may be some of us just came back from party, hang out with friends and buddies, soul-mate could be, or could it be hugging with your love one on the same bed lying down naked -  tiring after making a great love.. as myself, i suddenly awake on sleeping and the first thing that came into my brain cell was, "Quitting!!" from becoming a Graphic Designer.

Indeed!!

I am quitting from Graphic Designer. 

at first i thought it was a dream... than a moment later i found myself sitting in front my my pc's and starting posting the said statement as mention above on my wall's.

yup! i do believe almost all my friends who know me well not agree with my decision. but! hey guys!! do please respect my decision and my decision is final!! either you all take it, o leave it.. It is what it is..accept it.. on top of it, it's not a wrong decision actually because according to Muslim Calendar, today is the new year of Muslim Calendar so i supposed it's a great sign which a new chapter of new history to be created. i believe it's true and it's gonna happen. besides, it's gonna be more fun, more challenging live journey, more great obstacle awaits me, and more exciting experience journey to be remembered.

so,

to all my friends, readers and my followers (if there is any), lets move on, move forward, don't be afraid of changes in our lives. it's going to a lot of fun out there.. trust me... it will be.. why i say so, because my guts telling me so and this is the fact. a brand new year and something should we explore ourselves and experienced it awaits us "out there".

come on!! join me..!!

i will share more and more my new experience and my journey with all of you...

Nothing much.. life so interesting..

where to begin..??

well... guest it been almost a week if i'm not miscounting - been away from writing.. 

been busy again - as usual with my life preparing to moving out from M'sia to Spore.. soon..

nothing much happen since from my last writing without heading - if you followed..

only things such as normal life.. going here an there.. jogging in the rain.. reading more book during my "happy time" not "that happy time" but just my happy time..

besides that,

I totally can't hardly wait to move out and keep on counting the days to took off..

mean nothing just feel so very excited to start my new life at the new place..

like i said before.. 2011 is the hardest and longest year i ever had in my life..

but..!!

in the end.. i manage to past through all the obstacle and nearly to give-up on myself...

luckily i twisted my mind-set a bit and here i am..

"Bounce back higher" than i ever imagine it...

huhuhu...

mmm...

guest that's all for today..

mmm.....

rasernyer macam da lamer gak aku xbloging..

too bz wif my personal life and some changes arrangement which to be happen somewhere in this year or perhaps Jan 2012..

speaking bout changes and arrangement nie...

last saturday aku ke singapura untuk mengurus kan perkara2 peribadi n perkara yg penting for my so called

"better bright future".. rasernyer mcm aku da inform dlm fb n in this blog whereby.. aku akan berhijrah tp cumer tempatnyer saja aku blom lagi publish kan kepada semua rakan-rakan n teman-teman yg mengenali diri ini... anyway...

secara officialnyer.. i will move out from Malaysia selewat-lewatnya pada akhir bulan Dec 2011 dan kan ber hijrah ke Singapura untuk memulakan penghidupan baru.. and suatu perjalanan hidup yg baru..

so kepada teman-teman yg kenal dgn diri ini... mungkin ader di antara kalian da tahu dan mungkin ader yang tidak tahu.. paper pn... ini adalah keputusan yang paling muktamat dan yang paling terbaek utk semua pihak dan juga utk diri aku... in another words, "win-win situation.."

perkara yang sama juga akan aku publish kan dalam fb..

so..harap maklom la k...

k.. now issued ke2 plak...

sekembalinya aku ke tanah jb nie...

while i'm updating my fb and do some cleaning all the silly junk..,

"dingdong!!"

chatting buzzing in my fb...

it was one of my fren ID...

so..

i am thinking.. "eh!! (who not to be name)"

i'm just smiling in front of my PC.

but actually it's not (who not to be name), it was (who not to be name) bf...

very straight to the point..

the conclusion of our conversation is..

WARNING in a good manner to me which to be more specific or perhaps,

should i claim the words.. off u go from my bf life

(that is what my interpretation & perception)

what's the main point will be, is not my concern..

bcos.. so far after what had happen all this little while ago, between and (who not to be name), we were only just friend and on top of that, he (who not to be name) were thinking that i am like his older brother so he can holding on whenever he needed most...

as myself... i take it positively.. i mean nothing and i do respect his decision n what he wish me to be...

cumer yg menjadi 1 big question is...

what kind of nonsense that he (who not to be name bf) trying to do here...

tu la...

aku da inform who not to be name bout this at the earlier of their relationship...

n now c la.. what tlah happen...

xpasal kan.. bende da jadi issue...

emm.....

adat org tgh kemarok bercinta....

malas yang benar nyer nk pk kan sgt bout it....

tp..

to be frank... ati nie terusik cikit la...

xsngka plak bende bley jd cam nie...

so.. rasernyer...

xsalah la keputusan yg aku buat kan....

i mean..

moving out of malaysia..

demi utk kebaikan dan kebahagian semua org...

tp.. mungkin!!

mungkin ader gak sesetgh teman yg raser sedey sebab aku akan berjauhan...

tp.. nk wat camner kan...

It is what it is; accept it.

(either it's going to control you or you're going to control it)

Harvest the good

Forgive all the rest

~ Sonia Ricotti, Unsinkable ~

so now!

i'm clear and so away from it...

my duty is done here...

please do bare in your mind - readers...

this is my personal blog.. and my major concern writing all this is one of the way how i'm expressing my self and my feelings towards the environment surround me and to release it out from my brain cells... 

i mean nothing to condemn  nor to humiliate my friends and whoever involve in my daily life...

IT JUS AND EXPRESSION OF HUMANITY IN DAILY LIFE

till then...

as usual..

i leave all of you without fullstops but.. just a comas and see you back in Singapore very soon...

What A Great Life...

Sunday!!

yup today is sunday as many people out there specially those whose is currently working, Sunday is the day to rest, to out for date and some utilize sunday as the day to do cleaning the house or perhaps rooms maybe and some use it as to gathering with all friends, family and the loves once..

yeah as for me, sunday is just like others day in my life.

but unlike this particular this sunday, i woke-up at 7am go to bath and had my light breakfast with fresh cold milk. huhuhu!! i'm so in luv with fresh cold milk...

(ok now put aside of my milk..)

right after that, i'm sitting on my bed and looking around in my room. after few moments, i found out that myself cleaning my room,, sweeping the floor, and rearranged back all the position of each and every items in my room. once i've done that, i'm taking bath again after my body getting dirt of all the dust.. huhuhuhu..

a while after that,

I'm sitting at my dinning table to enjoy my complete breakfast for 2nd round... this time a complete meal.. simply having a roti prata with a cup of Tea with less sugar (as usual) and continue with cracker biscuits with nutella, olive butter and strawberry jam which i bought it back in Australia. The taste so yummy till i certainly forget that I'm in Malaysia.

hahahaha...

while enjoying my crackers, suddenly my mind flying away from my body..

it's a flash back of what I've been through few years back.. the hard time.. the happy time.. and so much more until here i am.. what sonia says in her book Unsinkable were right... 

"just trust that everything is unfolding the way it is supposed to.don't resist. surrender to what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be" - Sonia Ricotti

after what had happen.. here I am.. still stand up straight on my own shoes.. 

 now only i realize.. life is so great and so fun with full of adventure, colorful, and multi-patterns... who says "life is isn't fair?" what a words... life is very fair to all of us.. only things is.. our Perceptions and Interpretations is concern. if we change our perceptions and interpretations a bit and take a time off to think out of the box, surely we can bounce back higher from the bottom rocks..

 wah!!! now I'm speaking like Sonia Ricotti.

anyway,
i can't hardly wait for this coming Jan 2012 whereby I'm leaving Malaysia and move in into Singapore to star my new life back there.. to all my friends and to all those that very close to me (you know who you are), I will always remember all of you and keep in touch and maybe, I will visit you someday.. for sure I will.. or perhaps you guys can visit me back in Singapore if you insist.



well I guest it's about time for me to sign off..
as usual..
should I leave you all with comas instead of fullstops...

2011 A Long Ride...wheres the new begining is about to start...

Indeed.. iti is a very long ride of 2011..

all the hard moments, the tears, laughter, happiness, excitement, overwhelm, the pain and so much more had happen through out this year - the year of 2011.

seems like it's been a littler while i left out this blog.. I've been busy lately with my health, and some personal stuff. I but i never forget to write it in my silly blog. after what had happen and will happen next, i am ready for it..

yeah!!

some people did said,

"U've change ever since you came back/"bounce back from the bottom"

hahaha it's sound funny to me and still can smile while i'm writing this blog. But allow me to share something with you readers out there.. if there is any.. or followers perhaps.. if you insist to be..

there is one fine day right after i went for my left eye check-up, i straight away taking a public bus to well-known shopping mall. had a walk all alone back there try to observe my surrounding and the environment of the city of Johor Bahru. later after that, i go into bookshop and trying to find something  for to read to fill in my time while doing nothing in specific - at that moment.

finally, i manage to grab one book written by Sonia Ricotti, Unsinkable..

it's a great book and i do enjoy it for few times..

ok! enough for that..

right after i finish my 1st time reading the book, i feel totally like a new people.. new person..

that book totally open my mind widely to observe and to see what is "real world" and what "fantasy world"

i can control mind instead of the other way round.. i can still smiling in any situations i might be.. i can accept as what it is and leave the past as what it was and walk away without carrying any extra baggage..

thanks to Sonia Ricotti!!

as for now..

i am happy because most of my friends happy and some get exactly as what they wanted to be.. 

by the way..

this year is the last year i stay and live in Johore Bahru.

starting on Jan 2012 i will moving in into Singapore and build a new life back there all alone with my facebook on left side and on the other side will be my blog. Friends and family will always in my heart, my soul, and my blood so i can live on and move forward without any doubt about what may or might come toward me.

I am ready for anything..!!

till then...

shall i leave u, my readers and followers - if there is any, with a "commas" instead of "fullstops"

A Little Tribute to...

Just a little tribute to Shard...
he is leaving for good.. for every one good sake..
may God had mercy on his soul..
amin..

"Mendong ditika Mentari Menyinar"

"beep!!" "beep!!"
incoming message...

it was My I..

OMG!!
biler aku bacer jek msg My I, tetiber traser tersentak.. gamam.. terkejut..
tros terhenti on what i am doing dat moment..

"shard sowi ek, owg kene gak tros terang... owg raser owg x leh syg shard sepenuhnya..."

tu la txt My I to me...
mau xsewel aku dibuatnyer...
it was 16:51 dated Oct 27th 2011..

i never forget dat.. never in my life..
den.. aku tros call My I, but none of my call been answered..
sedey.. sebak termat sgt.. pilu.. pedey umpama bisa menusuk jao ke dlm ati yg msh lg terluker..
so..
we just berbalas msg yg panjng berjela..
aku cuber fight for my true luv..
but.. aku goyah.. rebah didlm perjuangan cinta sndrik..
tewas dgn kesilpn yg tlah aku lakukan sndrik...
nyesal yg teramat sgt.. tp nk wat camne kn.. smua bender da pn berlaku..
kini aku mesti kuat kan smgt utk tempohi sgalanyer...

ntah smpi biler.. aku pn xtawu n xder jwpn nyer...

titisan demi titisan air mater berterusan..tnpa henti..
stiap grak gri ku.. dia snantiasa terbyg di dpn mater nie...
slerer mkn berkurangan... tdo ku smakin kurang..
kshtn smakin xterjg... asek memikirkan kesilapan yg tlah aku lakukan..
which i'll never forgive myself...

kekesalan yg susah nk dimaafkan n nk diluper kan...

inilah cinta yg paleng ikhlas.. paleng mendlm after how many years i left behind my back...

22:15
dated Oct 28

My I txt me again..
"syp jek?"

sdg dudok ditepian pantai.. cuber menenangkan jiwa yg tgh huru hara..
biler dpt msg dari My I... ati ni smakin sebak.. smakin pilu..
i call My I..
we speak say about more than 1/2 an hour while i'm driving...
aku menangis biler mendgr suarer nyer...
terlalu merindui nye..
terlalu menyanyangi nyer...
respect to My I even we're like this.. but My I still concern bout my..
health.. pemakanan.. my smoking habit..
n My I dun want me to be sad n cry because of My I..

i'm too sad bcause of myself.. too stupid of what i've done..
because of me, My I become noty and found somebody else..
and now this is it.. here i am... feelin guilty every inch i step fwd..
hopping for miracle in this situations...

am i gonna be strong enough to face through all this after all what i've done..?

"True Luv is Very Painfull but so beautiful if the reflections is what as we expected to be.."

Jiwa Kacau..!!

bler da keseorgn ni kn... mcm2 di pk kn... life before n current.. smpi xsedar air mater ni meley plak..

sememang nyer bln Oct taun ni adlh bln yg teramat susa n lmbt utk diihabiskn... mcm2 belaku dlm smgu ni...

kisa suke-duke, pahet-manis, cinta dan mencitai, kekesalan pn ade... ehh!! mcm2 la... rase cam nk give-up pn ade... nsb ade kwn2 yg sudi mlayan... thks ea... u noe who u ar kn... xyah sbot name la..

walau pape pn kpd yg menyangi diri ini... tqvm ea walaupon dpt 1/2 ksh syg otepkse kongsikn... timer kseh jek la kn...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Kemurungan Kesepian...

after all had happen... here i am.. kemurungan dan kesepian ditinggal pergi oleh orang-orang yang teramat tersayang dan tersangat bermakna lagi terpenting dalam hidup ini.. ntah la.. sampai bila nk jadi cam ni kan...

bilakah sgalanya akn berakhir..?

last 2days ago i spent bout rm3k for release out my tension.. last nite i spent bout rm1.8k mayb.. but last nite xmabok pon... jus had barcardi wif coke tu jek.. had dance wif unknown boys, plu n sum bitch..

in the end reach home by 7++ am.

while lay down on my bed, tetibe kesunyian, kesepian.. n kerinduan ksh dan syg serta senda gurau dr org-org yg tlah pergi...

i missed my life.. my old life...
always heppy.. make pep's laughing.. smilling all the time...
but now, everything change..

i were thinking to move out from Msia... bug now.. stil consider it... ramai yg mahu kn diri ini tros menetap di Msia.. tp diri ini akn tros t'sekse skiranya diri ini tros b'legar2 di Tanah Malaya.. tp if i'm movin out.. smua org yg knali diri ini kehilangan Shard The Freaking Boyzs The Very Last Species...

Should i claims...
i want my life back...
All alone but happy all the time..
the question is.. can i get it back..?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

a BIG lost!!

what a long day... that's all i can say by the end of the day...

today, Oct 20th is my "R" birthday.. everything well planned by myself and not forgetting with collaboration with my "R" house mate a.k.a buddy for my "R" birthday surprise..

and it goes well...

i purposely taking unpaid leave for 2days and lying to my mom n family whereby i'm gone off to KL today because of my part-time job but actually to celebrate my "R" birthday.. so from JB departing at 1500 and arrival by 2000 dated Oct 19th. Once safely arrival at TBS my "W" already wait for me. We had dinner by sitting on the floor at the corridor behind the escalator while chit-chatting to get to know each other... at the same time we both re-planned back everything.. and it goes well too..

as 2230

we took cab straight away to my "R" house and let it happen...

I stay at the staircase for a moment while waiting for my "W"  signal the perfect time to enter the house with my "R" Chocolate Birthday cake... 

...here we goes...

i'm walking slowly towards his room with the cake and single candle.. at the same time my "R" walking out from his room and shock that i'm standing in front of his door with his birthday cake..

bla.. bla.. bla..

he make his wish and cut the cake...

on that particular time, I'm charging my android cause it totally flat. in few minutes, there is an outstation call from Singapore - my Pak Su call me..

my "R" n my "W" on that time on the phone then they saw me talking on the phone.. later they both move into my "R" room for giving a privacy space to me...

it's a very bad news from my Pak Su..

my Papa Aiesh past away bout an hour after I reach at my "R" house.. Papa Aiesh fall down after completing his praying. That's all I know from my Pak Su. I cried badly in the toilet... shocking... sad... and blank don't know what to do..

at first both of them didn't notice the missing of me... after few minute they start realizing and they keep up calling my name few time... I took a little time to catch my breath...

the precious moment turns into a tragic...

I'm spoiling everything.. damn me.. 

everything going very well... in the end.. it end up with unforgettable tragic of the very bad luck / curse of my birthday... now only i realize... i do broke my promise to myself whereby.. I should not tell any one where i go  from in between of my birthday till the curse gone..

my guts telling me something not right somewhere... but i was thinking about my "R"... then again my guts telling me "something not right.. something bazaar" i keep thinking over and over again... what is it.. there is no clue.. no sign of it... in the end...

well...
here I am... feeling very sad.. n can't hardly wait on the next morning...
as right now... I watching my "R" n my "W" sleeping on their bed...

both of them look so cute like a baby boy sleeping...

I'm lonely now..
feeling very empty...
very sad...

now I'm totally lost all the most important person in my life...
I lost everything...
EVERYTHING!!

p/s
how am i  gonna face through every incoming obstacle in life after this...?
can I survive out there..??

Greeting..

Here I am..

The human expression begin here after a very long time waiting for it..

at last.. I manage to create my blog called The Human Expressions..

it still under progress of updating and upgrading.. then again the time constrains is matters..

should coming back here again to keep on updating from time to time..

"tata!!"